grouchy grouch grouch grouch

I think it's been about five weeks now that I've been leaning toward the grouchy instead of toward the serene, and it is cramping my style. I am kind of irritable and I take things too personally. I am also annoyed because I feel like this is feeding on itself and getting worse rather than better, and I am losing ground that I have been fighting for for the past two years.

It's a little bit maddening, because I can't figure out if it's my fault and, whether it is or isn't, what I can do about it. It kind of started when the return from vacation threw me off my groove, but the new job threw me off the groove too, at pretty much the same time, so who knows. Both messed with my schedule and my coffee saga is at still a lower point now, since I use it to help me get through when I'm tired or grouchy but I don't think I can afford to be.

When pregnant the first time, I learned that, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I am not always in control of my moods. However, earlier this year I started doing some things, many of them physical, that I thought really helped me be a better person. I think if I can get back on track with that schedule/strategy, it might make a big difference. But I'm kind of too grouchy to try very hard.

I wonder if partly I'm worrying about my mental state, and the things that cause me to prickle, too much. There's that quote I still can't remember exactly, but is really key, I think: "If things contrary to your most cherished desires come to pass, it is of no consequence." And then (this is pretty close), "I want you to be happy - to laugh, smile and rejoice - in order that others may be made happy by you." 'Abdu'l-Baha said that, and he certainly makes it sound like a choice!

Is it my circumstances that are making me tired, stressed, [mildly] caffeine-addicted? Am I not applying enough self discipline to be happy and behave in other healthy ways? Should I just rise above this and stop paying attention to the tides of my moods so much?

The more we search for ourselves, the less likely we are to find ourselves; and the more we search for God, and to serve our fellow-men, the more profoundly will we become acquainted with ourselves, and the more inwardly assured. This is one of the great spiritual laws of life.

I think I'm striving to serve others, but maybe I'm not doing that right either. Or maybe I'm not searching for God enough. I kind of don't know right now.

dialing back

I feel like dialing back a little. I've been pushing hard in life. I was pushing hard even before I started pushing harder, when I got my new job, the committee appointment, and whatever else. Suddenly, though, tonight, I feel like trying a little less intensely, and like that is ok. I'm not sure if it's true. Maybe the cooler weather has something to do with this. I'll have to keep on the alert as I look for spaces in my quietly action-packed life to relax a little, in case letting things slide a little turns out to be a bad idea. What I really need to do is let loose a little bit without actually accomplishing any less. Has anybody ever figured out how to do that? If so, feel free to let me know.

p.s. Happy birthday to my sweet baby who is one year old today! She has been such a gift in my life, and I am so, so grateful.

curry

What I have been wondering lately is this: How did I get to be 30 without finding out about yellow coconut curry? It is amazing, delicious, wonderful food! Wow. I can't believe I've only known about it for a matter of months.

I was discussing this with a friend at work, actually. He said that he had a similar revelation in his life, and it was a definite turning point: any point in his life can be defined as either before or after the discovery of yellow coconut milk curry.

And he suggested I also try green curry.

So maybe I'll try that when I'm ready to have my mind blown again.

Some Days are Just That Way

I've unfortunately been a little grouchy for, oh, maybe a week and a half now. I'm also at a not-so-good place with the coffee schedule, and my eating and sleeping choices have not been the best. Coincidence? Unlikely.

It's a little too bad, because I'd been doing pretty well and feeling surprisingly evenly content, even happy, and patient with everybody. Well, almost everybody.

Anyway, on Saturday, I woke up late. That is, I slept in until nearly 7:15. (wrist slap.) As a consequence of this, or something else, I missed my morning prayers which, in combination with everything else, I think, made me what I like to call "extra-grouchy". For me. Some people claim they can't tell when I'm grouchy, but I can tell, and it's not that nice.

On Saturday I was grouchy at least partly because I didn't have anything useful to do. I figured I had to get myself coffee and entertain my children, and these seemed like particularly self-serving and material goals. This irritated me.

I went to the mall, had some coffee and a snack with the little ones, went to story hour at the book store, got some books and a puzzle with a gift card we had.

I went after the coffee in case it would help, though I suspected it wouldn't. I was right: it didn't help much. I even considered getting flowers, but I didn't think they would help either. What I really needed was to do something useful, more than just cleaning the apartment (which I work on a lot every weekend), though that is pretty critical at times.

After all of this and some thinking, I decided to go ahead and start the Baha'i children's class I'd planning on starting "soon" for my son and some neighbors. I went home and found those prayers I'd missed in the morning, made invites, cleaned the porch up, talked to some neighbors. Even just deciding to do that made me feel better. Working for the spiritual education for my children and the children in my community felt much more "right" than idly passing my time doing arbitrary things to keep myself and my children from getting too bored. Ivan was the only child one who could make it in the end, but there's a good chance there will be more in attendance next week, or the week after that.

Now I just need to start eating better again, get my sleep schedule back on track, and keep trying to do useful stuff and cut back on coffee yet another time, and maybe I'll stop being a grouch again soon, too. Hopefully.