free of fear

I recently accepted an appointment to serve on a committee for my Baha'i community. When I first got the call asking if I would be interested, I knew immediately that I wanted to do it. While I didn't feel ready exactly, I was promised training, and one of the things that shows up in the Baha'i writings is the power of doing service to make individuals become who they need to be to do what needs to be done. I also thought of quotes like: "Lose not thy chance, for it shall come to thee no more."

I was really worried about my schedule, though. With everything going on, I was pretty overwhelmed by the idea of adding anything else, and this appointment would be no trivial matter. So I said I wanted to think about it and watched my schedule very carefully for a few days. That exercise itself was actually pretty enlightening and cleansing for me, and ever since then I've had drastically less desire to do some of the trivial things that had been eating up more of my time than they needed to. Based on those few days of observing, I felt like I could make space within what I was doing to do what was needed for the committee.

Then it came time to schedule actual meetings, and the overwhelmed feeling came back. I didn't feel like I could add enough to my schedule meeting-wise and still be fair to my family and my ensembles. But, as I said to one person after a conversation attempting to set up a meeting time, I was afraid to stop playing with an ensemble. I suppose I was afraid it would make me less of a musician, less happy, and I'm not even sure what else I may have been afraid of. The unknown, perhaps.

I thought about that all the way home. It seemed strange to me, distant, unclear. What was I afraid of? What if I stopped playing with ensembles? So what? I like it, but I like playing by myself, too, and I can play tuba during my lunch break and work on material for that CD I always say I'm making some day. Which day, though? Why not this day? Maybe it is time for that, too.

"Love is a light which can never dwell in a heart possessed by fear."

Within the hour my thoughts turned from if I should stop playing with my quintet to how to bring it up. They were actually quite gracious when I talked to them, and found a perfect sub for me the next day. It's like it was meant to happen. I'm on a six month leave, and I'll reassess toward the end of 2010 what seems like a good idea going forward.

In the mean time, I feel happy to be free of the fear and evening rehearsals. I'm also looking forward to playing for myself, and even more, am trying to do my part to be made ready for this new venue of service that has opened up for me.


Current favorite quote:

"The closer one gets to realizing his destiny, the more that destiny becomes his true reason for being."

from The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho