ghost posts

I have a couple of drafts of posts saved. I think they're pretty interesting, but I don't think I'll publish them. It seems like everything I have to say lately is either too personal or won't come out right and makes me sound weird. Or both (or would it be all three...). Maybe I just don't have the right amount of time and attention to craft the types of posts I'd want to put up. I wrote some things down in a journal the other day, by hand. That felt really good, actually. Some things are only meant for paper, and only meant for me. And, perhaps, for people who ask me about them. So for anybody who is really curious, maybe we can do that talking thing people sometimes do. And if you aren't, or just don't have time, that's ok too. I can relate. To the logistical bit, I mean.

grouchy grouch grouch grouch

I think it's been about five weeks now that I've been leaning toward the grouchy instead of toward the serene, and it is cramping my style. I am kind of irritable and I take things too personally. I am also annoyed because I feel like this is feeding on itself and getting worse rather than better, and I am losing ground that I have been fighting for for the past two years.

It's a little bit maddening, because I can't figure out if it's my fault and, whether it is or isn't, what I can do about it. It kind of started when the return from vacation threw me off my groove, but the new job threw me off the groove too, at pretty much the same time, so who knows. Both messed with my schedule and my coffee saga is at still a lower point now, since I use it to help me get through when I'm tired or grouchy but I don't think I can afford to be.

When pregnant the first time, I learned that, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I am not always in control of my moods. However, earlier this year I started doing some things, many of them physical, that I thought really helped me be a better person. I think if I can get back on track with that schedule/strategy, it might make a big difference. But I'm kind of too grouchy to try very hard.

I wonder if partly I'm worrying about my mental state, and the things that cause me to prickle, too much. There's that quote I still can't remember exactly, but is really key, I think: "If things contrary to your most cherished desires come to pass, it is of no consequence." And then (this is pretty close), "I want you to be happy - to laugh, smile and rejoice - in order that others may be made happy by you." 'Abdu'l-Baha said that, and he certainly makes it sound like a choice!

Is it my circumstances that are making me tired, stressed, [mildly] caffeine-addicted? Am I not applying enough self discipline to be happy and behave in other healthy ways? Should I just rise above this and stop paying attention to the tides of my moods so much?

The more we search for ourselves, the less likely we are to find ourselves; and the more we search for God, and to serve our fellow-men, the more profoundly will we become acquainted with ourselves, and the more inwardly assured. This is one of the great spiritual laws of life.

I think I'm striving to serve others, but maybe I'm not doing that right either. Or maybe I'm not searching for God enough. I kind of don't know right now.

dialing back

I feel like dialing back a little. I've been pushing hard in life. I was pushing hard even before I started pushing harder, when I got my new job, the committee appointment, and whatever else. Suddenly, though, tonight, I feel like trying a little less intensely, and like that is ok. I'm not sure if it's true. Maybe the cooler weather has something to do with this. I'll have to keep on the alert as I look for spaces in my quietly action-packed life to relax a little, in case letting things slide a little turns out to be a bad idea. What I really need to do is let loose a little bit without actually accomplishing any less. Has anybody ever figured out how to do that? If so, feel free to let me know.

p.s. Happy birthday to my sweet baby who is one year old today! She has been such a gift in my life, and I am so, so grateful.

curry

What I have been wondering lately is this: How did I get to be 30 without finding out about yellow coconut curry? It is amazing, delicious, wonderful food! Wow. I can't believe I've only known about it for a matter of months.

I was discussing this with a friend at work, actually. He said that he had a similar revelation in his life, and it was a definite turning point: any point in his life can be defined as either before or after the discovery of yellow coconut milk curry.

And he suggested I also try green curry.

So maybe I'll try that when I'm ready to have my mind blown again.